Monday, August 25, 2008

A crack in the armour

Tonight I was two different people, yet I was the same person.

I spent time telling the mother of a dead baby that life as the father of a dead baby sucks. It sucks that we are shunted to the sidelines. It sucks that we are expected to not feel the same depth of pain as the mother of our dead baby.

Later, I went over the completed scrapbook of my son that my wife prepared. When I came to the page with the hand and foot-prints of my son, I started to cry. An outpouring of emotion like I haven't had in months flowed over and through me. My eyes stung and the tears flowed. And it sucked.

I am eight and a half months away from the day that my son Gabriel was born, and from the day that my son Gabriel died. And my pain is still welded to the fabric of my being. I don't feel it as vividly every day. But when I paid attention to it tonight, it was as if I had just stepped out of the delivery room after my son was taken to the morgue.

My heart, my body, and my soul weep for the loss of my son. And yet I feel obliged to try and help another man whom I have never met forge his way though the pain that he feels.

Just when I feel like I am coping and wearing this burden of my son's death, it reaches out from an unexpected yet not unfamiliar location and reminds me that I, too, am human and that I, too, still mourn his untimely, unfair, and unjust loss.


Two Hands said...

As a midwifery student, we are taught it is all about the woman. I disagree. Certainly the woman has her own special needs during pregnancy, childbirth and after, but it is the whole family that, shares the joy and shares the grief. Thanks to you and the other blogs of fathers who have lost their beloved children, I will do what I can not to let the fathers get swept aside. Yes, the mother does the carrying and the birthing alone, but she is not the only one who does the loving.

Ya Chun said...

Mr Spit- I don't think it is really two persons. It is you, and you are full of conflicting emotions, both admirable: the desire to help others and the love you feel for Gabriel.

You are coping, and crying when you see sweet reminders of his time with you is part of that. It's not a setback, it's part of the continuum.

I hope this newly bereaved dad finds the support he needs, and maybe will become another of the blogging dads here.

Martha said...

I'm so sorry and just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Carbon said...

Thank you for being the voice of mourning for invisible fathers. More voices will contribute greater understanding to this world.

Christa said...

It is unfair... I'm so sorry.

Rela Pantaleon-Manigsaca said...

I appreciate your honesty and willingness to write/talk about your loss.

Just like what I wrote to your wife - Wishing you the best in your IF journey when you are ready to continue!

Arpee @ The Saga of Becoming Fruitful