Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A year I'll never forget

A year ago my life changed. One could say that it was turned on its head, for surely there is no more succinct description for the catastrophic events that led to me being the father of a dead baby boy.

It's hard to talk about the loss of my son, Gabriel, to those who haven't lost a child. People who have no frame of reference have nothing to say. It's not that they don't want to, perhaps, but instead that they don't have the vocabulary to understand. Most people don't know what to say, and say nothing. They don't know what all parents of dead babies know - there are no words to express the feeling of loss, of confusion, of aimlessness that accompany the wretched loss of my son.

The sorrow sneaks up on me at odd times, in odd ways. I have yet to return to what my normal level was a year ago. It is shockingly difficult to be who I was before. I get distracted more easily. I am unable to concentrate as well. My motivation waxes and wanes on an unpredictable schedule.

A year ago I held my son in my hands. His tiny body was incredibly frail. With his death, that frailty has passed on to me in unexpected, unwanted ways. His death fractured me widely and deeply. Unlike a window, my cracks are not visible. To those who don't know of the impact, I appear to be normal and fully functioning. This makes for a disconnect between who I am, and who people expect me to be.

To my son in heaven: I miss you to the depth of my soul.


Two Hands said...

I have been reading your wife's posts leading up to this point and many times, you're right, I don't know what to say, so I say nothing.
Today I wanted to say, I'm listening and I'm so terribly terribly sorry. God be with you today and always.

excavator said...

This is a very poignant and very true post. And I wish you didn't have to write from this place of bitter knowledge.

It's an excruciating place, to be in that disconnect between who you are and who the world around you expects you to be.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Gabriel.

Amy said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers today, everyday, always. Thinking of you Mrs. Spit and Gabriel.

I miss him for you. Very much so.

Big hugs Mr. Spit, Big hugs.

loribeth said...

There are no words -- exactly right. So I'll just say that I'm thinking of you & Mrs. Spit & Gabriel today. (((hugs))) to all of you.

mlg- believe N miracles said...

I am understand what you are saying about feeling disconnected.
I am thinking of you and your wife and your beautiful son, Gabriel, today. I wish it didnt have to be this way for all of us. I am so sorry.

Mrs. Spit said...


I love you darling. If we have to go through this hell, it's better that we do it together.

Couldn't have done it without you.

hgswtj said...

From one father to another who has lost a child - I know your pain. I know your loss.

I grieve with you, today and every day.

I'm here, brother, you are not alone.


Paige said...

You, Cheryl and Gabriel are in Rachel's and my thoughts and prayers... every day, but today especially.

May you one day find peace...


Ya Chun said...

Blogger ate my comment earlier, good thing I came back to see what others had said!

You state the difficulty of living through your son's life eloquently. The frailty, the lack of focus, all true here too.

I wish you peace as you mark one year with Gabriel.


God is Great. I wish you peace and bliss.

Trish said...

Unfortunately there are no words that could ever comfort. But they are all I have. I'm so sorry.