Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Gabriel Remembered

My son, Gabriel Anton, is dead.

Most days I can function in this world in spite of the pain of his loss. But there are days when I just don't give a damn.

It's been hard few days. First Mrs. Spit and I attended the local memorial to infant loss. As I held her hand while I lit the candle in memory of Gabriel, I was sad. When I listened to people talking about the loss of their children, I was sad.

Last night, when we sat in our baby loss support group, I was saddened on multiple occasions after comments and stories told by members of the group.

Tonight I sit in a hotel room away from my best friend, my confidante, my cheerleader, my supporter, my wife. I read her blog tonight, and it left me sitting in a strange place with my eyes full of tears.

I miss my son. Gabriel went home early, and I miss him.

At the memorial service, one of the hardest parts for me was related to music. Music has long been able to elicit an emotive response from me. There are times when I am deeply touched by music. Imagine my surprise when I heard an old and familiar song for seemingly the first time, and found myself moved to tears as a result.

I heard the following lyric, and cried:
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

My dreams came true, I was going to be a father. But then the dream became a mist when Gabriel went on to meet his namesake before me.

At times, I feel that this is so poignant.
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

My Gabriel, like a bluebird, flew beyond the rainbow to meet his maker. And thinking of this, and his loss, left me crying in a room full of strangers who have themselves lost a child.

And it sucked.


Mrs. Spit said...

Until heaven, and then forever.
I think about this alot.

I love you.

Cibele said...

I am so sorry. My heart brakes reading your post. My God sconsole your heart.

Cibele said...

I thought you would like to know this song. It was written by another mom and dad that hurt just like you and share the same beliefs(http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/)

GLORY BABY by watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

dark-matter-energy said...

I found you and Mrs. Spit about a week ago.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Gabriel Anton and wishing that comfort be there each time you and Mrs. Spit need it.

It is very kind of you in your pain to open your heart and allow some understanding of how men experience grief. I do think that your being truthful in this way is shining some good into the world.

Mr. Spit said...

Thanks for the comments!